blah blah blah. can't some people just learn to shut it. just mind your own business. or else confront me directly about a problem you have with me. don't go behind my back to try to get me to do anything. A) it pisses me off, B) you say you do it because you "care," but you don't. you go behind my back and have someone else deal with it so your "caring" isn't really doing anything but pissing me off, and making things worse cause you have no idea what you are talking about in the first place.

I'm losing the will to live. 

Slowly everything around me is deteriorating; friends, family, life. But I so badly want to get married, have children and watch them grow up. I'm torn between fighting and giving up. I never thought that I would make it past 13. But here I am at 19, still wishing, pretty much every day, that I was dead.

I used to believe that everyone played a part, that there was a part for everyone to play.

If things are meant to happen, anything, any bad thing that happens people always say "well that was meant to happen," or "God meant for that to happen". Doesn't that mean that we played our parts to get to that role? so if we get to a point that was "meant to happen" it was pre-determined by God, right?

but, what if someone who is following there role, and then decides they don't like the outcome? if they don't follow the path that is laid out for them what does that mean and they decide to follow there own path, does that change the whole reality that is? If someone defies all odds, and goes against everything that is set in front of them, what does that mean?

now the argument, "well, maybe that is the path they were supposed to follow" comes into play, and by the wording that i have laid out then it can be taken that way but i can't think of any other way to explain it. if someone denies the path that God has laid out for them, is that going against God? i'm not saying that he has already decided who is getting into Heaven and who is going to Hell. but what i do think is happening is that God has set up a path for us and has determined our destination, but we must follow the path, and we can do whatever we want on the path and that is what determines whether or not we get into Heaven or Hell.

But when someone denies the path altogether, when they break away from the path laid out for them and go against God's will, what happens then? Does that mean we are all just puppets set up to obey our master (God) and follow what he has already determined where we are going. or are we just here, with our path and no God there supporting us, on the set path that we are given?

now what about criminals and murderers and the like? that's easy, that this only applies to Christians in general. I'm not saying that God doesn't love everyone or that he doesn't give us all chances, we just have to believe in God for him to give us that path to where we are to follow.

I just read this whole story back to me and it sounds a bit confusing (and a little bit contradictory) but i stand by my statement.

There are the whimps that are bullied, and the bullies that abuse them, there are the people who give orders and the people who follow them. each persons role has been determined by God and handed down to them when they were born, or so i thought.. Your exhistence has shaken the very foundations of my beliefs.

time and time again my world comes to end. it's like i start to build an amazing sand castle, and it stays good for a while, then, the tide comes in and everything falls apart...

trying to hold sand in your hands. it just runs through your fingers. that's me trying to grasp at a life. i succeed in keeping a little on my palm but the majority of it, everything that matters, falls through my fingers. and there is nothing that i can do. i just have to sit there an watch as my world falls apart, as the waves crash around and tear my world apart..

........

loneliness is the worst feeling possible. i can be surrounded by the most important people, but i have this tendency to not want to get too close, people leave. and they don't come back, i have had many people who i trusted and i let my guard down around, just stop caring, just left me alone again. and it's hard for me to find the right people who actually want me to be around them. and i put up walls to prevent from being hurt, but in turn, i am hurting myself.

i act like i'm fine, i always say i'm fine i don't show it. at least, i try not to show it.

i'm working on finding people that care, i'm working really hard to keep them.

Athazagoraphobia is the fear of being forgotten.

I think a lot of us can relate to this, we all need to feel loved and safe. So why do we try to make each other feel so different, so forgotten to the world. Because in the end we all bleed red.

I hate when someone treats you like shit and you still care. you don't want to but you can't help it.

Who Am I?

I'd always wanted to be a victim, so I could see who cared and finally have a reason to be depressed.
Now I am, now I'm losing my only friend.
Sometimes, I want to die, there I said it.
Are you happy now? Will you help me? Will you stay with me? I didn't think so.

I'm sorry.
I put you through so much.
I give you a hard time about everything, I don't eat, and sometimes,

I'll actually try to make you worry.
I know I shouldn't, but to be honest, I've never had someone care like you do.
And seeing how much you care just makes me feel amazing.

Someone asked why i love hugs so much.
I told them that i didn't want to say because I would feel stupid.
The reason I love hugs and arms around me so much is that for once I trust someone being that close.
It is gentle. And even though i haven't opened up about my horrible past, my self-harm, depression etc...
They still care.

random

Every morning when I wake up, I want to go back to sleep.
Not because I'm tired, but because I don't want to go through the pain I feel every day.


I don't even know who to trust anymore.
Everyone is a liar, and that's the truth.
Even if you don't lie to others, you can always lie to yourself.


I feel awkward around teenagers, though I am one.
They seem like there off in some ignorant world filled with drugs, sex, and stupidity.
I often force myself to try and relate to them. I try to be "normal." 
Then I realize its not making me happy. So i have decided. F*** society and its rules, I'm going to live my life my way.

Is it better to have loved and lost, than to ever have loved at all??

Is it better to have loved and lost, than to ever have loved at all?

this is a very debatable question. yes or no?

Yes: many people believe that losing someone you love is better than having not loved before, they say this because at least they have known the feeling of love, and they know the good that comes from this feeling of love. they believe that the food that comes from love, even after it is gone far outweighs the negative emotions that comes when that feeling is gone.

No: the other side of the argument. some people think no, it is better to have not loved at all the argument for this question is that not knowing what love feels like is better than feeling love and then having your whole world taken from you.

these are both good arguments.

to me i agree with both, it just depends on the person. some people have never felt love before, and some people have had love and have had it taken away from them. sometimes it just depends on the person which is worse, so this argument is questionable.

for a while i have never felt the love of others. all i wanted was to have someone love me. and care for me, but it was a long time bore i got that. love is an amazing feeling, but it does suck to have it taken away.

i cannot express how that feels. all i can say is that i don't think that any person can tell you how either one of those feels. i believe it is a personal opinion. 

so i am about done with this. i put my faith in people and they screw me over. i give my heart to my "friends" and they rip it out without so much as a word, let alone an explanation. i always put others needs before my own.


Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."


to me this verse is saying to put your own problems (issues) before others, i do not do that. i always put the people i care about's problems before my own. when i pray, i pray for others. i hardly ever pray for something that i need or want. i don't feel that i deserve anything, i care so much about the people i love. i only pray for them and there needs. even in everyday life, if i have a problem, yes, i want to talk about it, but i would rather help other people instead of them helping me.


yes, i say "i love you" more than most people, but i only say to very few people, 3, in fact. i only say it to people who i truly do love, people that i care so much for that it hurts when i don't get to see them.


but what hurts the most out of anything in life? first off, i'm fine with them not feeling the same way. yes, i do want someone to care for me and want me around and someone who honestly wants me to be their friend, instead of them just being my friend.


...


everybody hurts the people they love, but you forgive them, because you love them. but when people give up on that friendship, that relationship, that is what hurts more than anything else in the world. when your friends turn their back on you and stop caring. that is what hurts the most.


like many of you know i have been through a lot of shit in my life, but the things that haunt me today are not those things directly. the abuse from my father doesn't bother me, the abuse from the camp counselor doesn't bother me, the abuse from my mother and grandmother doesn't bother me. 


what bothers me is the lack of friends. the lack of parents. it makes me sad when i here people talking about how awesome their dads are. when they talk about all the fun times they had with their friends growing up. that depresses me because i don't have that. here now, when people call me gay and pick on my, that depresses me. i have grown up with that my whole life, i haven't had friends because everyone believed i was gay. i was excluded from just about everything in high school. i have never had friends until i got here at OC. 


and when the people here are supposed to be good people, and they treat me the EXACT same way as everyone else has treated me. it hurts. it probably hurts a lot more than it should. 


at the beginning of the school year i had many "friends". one by one these friends left me. good thing i had some more friends to fall back on. but the "friends" who lasted the longest, the "friends" who saw what the others did and how they treated me, the "friends" who said that they wouldn't treat me that way. yeah, no surprise that they end up leaving too, right?


and that one person that i have in my life, the one person that is there throughout everything that doesn't leave. leaves. so i end up hurting because she left. the only way i could get over our relationship is to move on. just leave her behind, so that's what i do. and that may not be the productive way to do things but it is the only way that helps me get over someone. to cut all ties, burn bridges. now i did try to contact and talk to these people before i decide to do this and if they give me no ground.


but there are people out there that care for me, i just have to hang on until i find them.

I'm the friend you all ditch when something better comes up.

You never ask if I want to join you, or invite me over. I have no real friends.

And what's the point of trying when it only deepens my deppression and lessens my eating? I hope you are proud.

You've destroyed my trust once again.

This goes out to a dear friend.

Even if you try to erase your sins, they will always be in the back of your mind. You can regret it, want to undo it, or punish yourself... But the more you think about it, the more unbearable it becomes, you can fall into your own hell, go to prison, or you can look for forgiveness... But in the end, the answer lies within yourself.

Light/Darkness?

darkness exposes the light in people. it sounds weird.

The depths of my soul are rooted in dark thoughts, but then we all have darkness and light in us. if we are all light on the outside, there's noting but darkness underneath.

if a person only shows there light side all they have is darkness left in their souls. people have both good and bad. it's human nature. some people can resist these urges. however, most people can't resist. they try to repress these emotions and urges, but they are still there eating away at their souls. they are still here in their souls. a person has to show both darkness and light in order to survive. they won't mesh in society. some people are the opposite. all they have on the outside is darkness. some people have this darkness but are good on the inside. the bad things they do is a cover to hide what is really going on. so people won't know who they are. but same goes for the light. people go on through their lives and put on a happy shiny face. so that everybody else won't see the darkness on the inside. darkness does not necessarily mean evil. darkness means what it says. darkness. a hole in their soul where there is darkness. darkness could mean depression, anger, jealousy, even resentment. this comes from repressing these emotions and not showing them for people. bottling emotions like this up, it leads to bad things.

So what's wrong with me? People don't like to be around. They'll be around me until they find something better to do. But you know what? I hate everyone. I hate everyone. You all have your family and your friends I have no one. Me? I have no one to pit my trust into. Everyone just avoids me when they can or finds a way to get out of it. I don't have anyone to confide in. I'm stuck here being miserable and i have to watch everyone be happy. It sucks.

What is sacrifice? We keep saying we want change, but we keep doing the same shitty things every day. I used to believe that people couldn't change, that all we could do is have as much fun as we could before it all came to an end. But now, now I don't want it to end.

Me?

• You say I have lots of friends because you see a lot of people talk to me. What you don't see is all the people talking shit about me behind my back and right there in front of my face. I hate it when people talk down to me like I'm stupid and talk down to me like I'm a child. I hate it. I am stupid. I am not a child. I never had a childhood. I have never been a child. And I hate it when people talk to me like I am one. You know nothing of me, of my past. So stop treating me the way you do.

There's one thing I detest about being a guy.

I feel like I can't really tell anyone how broken I feel. How hopeless I can be. How deeply I wish for just a few things, but feel like they'll never happen. There's a whole huge part of me I can't share with people. And I don't know what to do about it.