blah blah blah. can't some people just learn to shut it. just mind your own business. or else confront me directly about a problem you have with me. don't go behind my back to try to get me to do anything. A) it pisses me off, B) you say you do it because you "care," but you don't. you go behind my back and have someone else deal with it so your "caring" isn't really doing anything but pissing me off, and making things worse cause you have no idea what you are talking about in the first place.

I'm losing the will to live. 

Slowly everything around me is deteriorating; friends, family, life. But I so badly want to get married, have children and watch them grow up. I'm torn between fighting and giving up. I never thought that I would make it past 13. But here I am at 19, still wishing, pretty much every day, that I was dead.

I used to believe that everyone played a part, that there was a part for everyone to play.

If things are meant to happen, anything, any bad thing that happens people always say "well that was meant to happen," or "God meant for that to happen". Doesn't that mean that we played our parts to get to that role? so if we get to a point that was "meant to happen" it was pre-determined by God, right?

but, what if someone who is following there role, and then decides they don't like the outcome? if they don't follow the path that is laid out for them what does that mean and they decide to follow there own path, does that change the whole reality that is? If someone defies all odds, and goes against everything that is set in front of them, what does that mean?

now the argument, "well, maybe that is the path they were supposed to follow" comes into play, and by the wording that i have laid out then it can be taken that way but i can't think of any other way to explain it. if someone denies the path that God has laid out for them, is that going against God? i'm not saying that he has already decided who is getting into Heaven and who is going to Hell. but what i do think is happening is that God has set up a path for us and has determined our destination, but we must follow the path, and we can do whatever we want on the path and that is what determines whether or not we get into Heaven or Hell.

But when someone denies the path altogether, when they break away from the path laid out for them and go against God's will, what happens then? Does that mean we are all just puppets set up to obey our master (God) and follow what he has already determined where we are going. or are we just here, with our path and no God there supporting us, on the set path that we are given?

now what about criminals and murderers and the like? that's easy, that this only applies to Christians in general. I'm not saying that God doesn't love everyone or that he doesn't give us all chances, we just have to believe in God for him to give us that path to where we are to follow.

I just read this whole story back to me and it sounds a bit confusing (and a little bit contradictory) but i stand by my statement.

There are the whimps that are bullied, and the bullies that abuse them, there are the people who give orders and the people who follow them. each persons role has been determined by God and handed down to them when they were born, or so i thought.. Your exhistence has shaken the very foundations of my beliefs.

time and time again my world comes to end. it's like i start to build an amazing sand castle, and it stays good for a while, then, the tide comes in and everything falls apart...

trying to hold sand in your hands. it just runs through your fingers. that's me trying to grasp at a life. i succeed in keeping a little on my palm but the majority of it, everything that matters, falls through my fingers. and there is nothing that i can do. i just have to sit there an watch as my world falls apart, as the waves crash around and tear my world apart..

........

loneliness is the worst feeling possible. i can be surrounded by the most important people, but i have this tendency to not want to get too close, people leave. and they don't come back, i have had many people who i trusted and i let my guard down around, just stop caring, just left me alone again. and it's hard for me to find the right people who actually want me to be around them. and i put up walls to prevent from being hurt, but in turn, i am hurting myself.

i act like i'm fine, i always say i'm fine i don't show it. at least, i try not to show it.

i'm working on finding people that care, i'm working really hard to keep them.

Athazagoraphobia is the fear of being forgotten.

I think a lot of us can relate to this, we all need to feel loved and safe. So why do we try to make each other feel so different, so forgotten to the world. Because in the end we all bleed red.

I hate when someone treats you like shit and you still care. you don't want to but you can't help it.