time and time again my world comes to end. it's like i start to build an amazing sand castle, and it stays good for a while, then, the tide comes in and everything falls apart...

trying to hold sand in your hands. it just runs through your fingers. that's me trying to grasp at a life. i succeed in keeping a little on my palm but the majority of it, everything that matters, falls through my fingers. and there is nothing that i can do. i just have to sit there an watch as my world falls apart, as the waves crash around and tear my world apart..

........

loneliness is the worst feeling possible. i can be surrounded by the most important people, but i have this tendency to not want to get too close, people leave. and they don't come back, i have had many people who i trusted and i let my guard down around, just stop caring, just left me alone again. and it's hard for me to find the right people who actually want me to be around them. and i put up walls to prevent from being hurt, but in turn, i am hurting myself.

i act like i'm fine, i always say i'm fine i don't show it. at least, i try not to show it.

i'm working on finding people that care, i'm working really hard to keep them.

Athazagoraphobia is the fear of being forgotten.

I think a lot of us can relate to this, we all need to feel loved and safe. So why do we try to make each other feel so different, so forgotten to the world. Because in the end we all bleed red.

I hate when someone treats you like shit and you still care. you don't want to but you can't help it.

Who Am I?

I'd always wanted to be a victim, so I could see who cared and finally have a reason to be depressed.
Now I am, now I'm losing my only friend.
Sometimes, I want to die, there I said it.
Are you happy now? Will you help me? Will you stay with me? I didn't think so.

I'm sorry.
I put you through so much.
I give you a hard time about everything, I don't eat, and sometimes,

I'll actually try to make you worry.
I know I shouldn't, but to be honest, I've never had someone care like you do.
And seeing how much you care just makes me feel amazing.

Someone asked why i love hugs so much.
I told them that i didn't want to say because I would feel stupid.
The reason I love hugs and arms around me so much is that for once I trust someone being that close.
It is gentle. And even though i haven't opened up about my horrible past, my self-harm, depression etc...
They still care.

random

Every morning when I wake up, I want to go back to sleep.
Not because I'm tired, but because I don't want to go through the pain I feel every day.


I don't even know who to trust anymore.
Everyone is a liar, and that's the truth.
Even if you don't lie to others, you can always lie to yourself.


I feel awkward around teenagers, though I am one.
They seem like there off in some ignorant world filled with drugs, sex, and stupidity.
I often force myself to try and relate to them. I try to be "normal." 
Then I realize its not making me happy. So i have decided. F*** society and its rules, I'm going to live my life my way.

Is it better to have loved and lost, than to ever have loved at all??

Is it better to have loved and lost, than to ever have loved at all?

this is a very debatable question. yes or no?

Yes: many people believe that losing someone you love is better than having not loved before, they say this because at least they have known the feeling of love, and they know the good that comes from this feeling of love. they believe that the food that comes from love, even after it is gone far outweighs the negative emotions that comes when that feeling is gone.

No: the other side of the argument. some people think no, it is better to have not loved at all the argument for this question is that not knowing what love feels like is better than feeling love and then having your whole world taken from you.

these are both good arguments.

to me i agree with both, it just depends on the person. some people have never felt love before, and some people have had love and have had it taken away from them. sometimes it just depends on the person which is worse, so this argument is questionable.

for a while i have never felt the love of others. all i wanted was to have someone love me. and care for me, but it was a long time bore i got that. love is an amazing feeling, but it does suck to have it taken away.

i cannot express how that feels. all i can say is that i don't think that any person can tell you how either one of those feels. i believe it is a personal opinion. 

so i am about done with this. i put my faith in people and they screw me over. i give my heart to my "friends" and they rip it out without so much as a word, let alone an explanation. i always put others needs before my own.


Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."


to me this verse is saying to put your own problems (issues) before others, i do not do that. i always put the people i care about's problems before my own. when i pray, i pray for others. i hardly ever pray for something that i need or want. i don't feel that i deserve anything, i care so much about the people i love. i only pray for them and there needs. even in everyday life, if i have a problem, yes, i want to talk about it, but i would rather help other people instead of them helping me.


yes, i say "i love you" more than most people, but i only say to very few people, 3, in fact. i only say it to people who i truly do love, people that i care so much for that it hurts when i don't get to see them.


but what hurts the most out of anything in life? first off, i'm fine with them not feeling the same way. yes, i do want someone to care for me and want me around and someone who honestly wants me to be their friend, instead of them just being my friend.


...


everybody hurts the people they love, but you forgive them, because you love them. but when people give up on that friendship, that relationship, that is what hurts more than anything else in the world. when your friends turn their back on you and stop caring. that is what hurts the most.


like many of you know i have been through a lot of shit in my life, but the things that haunt me today are not those things directly. the abuse from my father doesn't bother me, the abuse from the camp counselor doesn't bother me, the abuse from my mother and grandmother doesn't bother me. 


what bothers me is the lack of friends. the lack of parents. it makes me sad when i here people talking about how awesome their dads are. when they talk about all the fun times they had with their friends growing up. that depresses me because i don't have that. here now, when people call me gay and pick on my, that depresses me. i have grown up with that my whole life, i haven't had friends because everyone believed i was gay. i was excluded from just about everything in high school. i have never had friends until i got here at OC. 


and when the people here are supposed to be good people, and they treat me the EXACT same way as everyone else has treated me. it hurts. it probably hurts a lot more than it should. 


at the beginning of the school year i had many "friends". one by one these friends left me. good thing i had some more friends to fall back on. but the "friends" who lasted the longest, the "friends" who saw what the others did and how they treated me, the "friends" who said that they wouldn't treat me that way. yeah, no surprise that they end up leaving too, right?


and that one person that i have in my life, the one person that is there throughout everything that doesn't leave. leaves. so i end up hurting because she left. the only way i could get over our relationship is to move on. just leave her behind, so that's what i do. and that may not be the productive way to do things but it is the only way that helps me get over someone. to cut all ties, burn bridges. now i did try to contact and talk to these people before i decide to do this and if they give me no ground.


but there are people out there that care for me, i just have to hang on until i find them.