So what's wrong with me? People don't like to be around. They'll be around me until they find something better to do. But you know what? I hate everyone. I hate everyone. You all have your family and your friends I have no one. Me? I have no one to pit my trust into. Everyone just avoids me when they can or finds a way to get out of it. I don't have anyone to confide in. I'm stuck here being miserable and i have to watch everyone be happy. It sucks.

What is sacrifice? We keep saying we want change, but we keep doing the same shitty things every day. I used to believe that people couldn't change, that all we could do is have as much fun as we could before it all came to an end. But now, now I don't want it to end.

Me?

• You say I have lots of friends because you see a lot of people talk to me. What you don't see is all the people talking shit about me behind my back and right there in front of my face. I hate it when people talk down to me like I'm stupid and talk down to me like I'm a child. I hate it. I am stupid. I am not a child. I never had a childhood. I have never been a child. And I hate it when people talk to me like I am one. You know nothing of me, of my past. So stop treating me the way you do.

There's one thing I detest about being a guy.

I feel like I can't really tell anyone how broken I feel. How hopeless I can be. How deeply I wish for just a few things, but feel like they'll never happen. There's a whole huge part of me I can't share with people. And I don't know what to do about it.

I hate the fact that I sit here, watching my friends falling in and out of love, having to act happy for them. I hate the feeling of being trapped, unloved, alone and broken.

lately...

Sometimes it is very difficult to express my emotions. Lately i've been depressed a lot. And for odd reasons. I love seeing people happy. in fact i would much rather see people happy than be happy myself. because when i experience happiness i just get more depressed after the fact. i mean i love being happy! i just don't like the after taste. if that makes any sense at all. also when i see people with their family and there friends. and i see the friends that they have grown up with and that they are still friends now. the way they would hang out and do crazy ridiculous things together and just have fun. it makes me happy that they have that, but it also makes me sad that i have never had that. and i try to be positive about things and tell myself that i will have those things, that i have friends here... but it doesn't work. i know i have some friends here. the few that i have i really really care about. and i know for a fact that they care about me. but my mind functions to much. i hate the way my brain works. i don't ever not think about things. and the majority of the time they are negative things. and there are so many things there that i think about. it's horrible.

What do you know of my suffering?! The pain of being abandoned, the pain from my hate and of being hated!