I hate the fact that I sit here, watching my friends falling in and out of love, having to act happy for them. I hate the feeling of being trapped, unloved, alone and broken.

lately...

Sometimes it is very difficult to express my emotions. Lately i've been depressed a lot. And for odd reasons. I love seeing people happy. in fact i would much rather see people happy than be happy myself. because when i experience happiness i just get more depressed after the fact. i mean i love being happy! i just don't like the after taste. if that makes any sense at all. also when i see people with their family and there friends. and i see the friends that they have grown up with and that they are still friends now. the way they would hang out and do crazy ridiculous things together and just have fun. it makes me happy that they have that, but it also makes me sad that i have never had that. and i try to be positive about things and tell myself that i will have those things, that i have friends here... but it doesn't work. i know i have some friends here. the few that i have i really really care about. and i know for a fact that they care about me. but my mind functions to much. i hate the way my brain works. i don't ever not think about things. and the majority of the time they are negative things. and there are so many things there that i think about. it's horrible.

What do you know of my suffering?! The pain of being abandoned, the pain from my hate and of being hated!