I hate the fact that I sit here, watching my friends falling in and out of love, having to act happy for them. I hate the feeling of being trapped, unloved, alone and broken.

lately...

Sometimes it is very difficult to express my emotions. Lately i've been depressed a lot. And for odd reasons. I love seeing people happy. in fact i would much rather see people happy than be happy myself. because when i experience happiness i just get more depressed after the fact. i mean i love being happy! i just don't like the after taste. if that makes any sense at all. also when i see people with their family and there friends. and i see the friends that they have grown up with and that they are still friends now. the way they would hang out and do crazy ridiculous things together and just have fun. it makes me happy that they have that, but it also makes me sad that i have never had that. and i try to be positive about things and tell myself that i will have those things, that i have friends here... but it doesn't work. i know i have some friends here. the few that i have i really really care about. and i know for a fact that they care about me. but my mind functions to much. i hate the way my brain works. i don't ever not think about things. and the majority of the time they are negative things. and there are so many things there that i think about. it's horrible.

What do you know of my suffering?! The pain of being abandoned, the pain from my hate and of being hated!

the holidays.

it's been a long time since i've posted anything... but a lot has been going on in my life. everything is so stressful and i am just trying to find a place for me. i'm not gonna go into how bad it's been these past couple of weeks because it's going better now. i'm staying with a friend for thanksgiving. i'm actually here at his house right now. it's awesome and so much fun here. i feel welcomed here. i really like it. and i am really thankful for it. so that's the first really good thing to happen to me in a long time. and also i am going to colorado for christmas. i get to visit the family i used to live with when i lived in alabama. they moved to colorado. so i'm going there and they are getting me lots of things. expensive things. which i'm not really comfortable taking, but they are making me so i guess i have to. they are getting me contacts, an eye exam, and getting my teeth cleaned. it's been 5 years since i've been to the dentist. oh and the people i'm staying with for thanksgiving kinda sort of forced onto me some new shoes. which i wasn't comfortable with either but i am REALLY thankful for that. they are really nice shoes and they are comfortable too. so i really like this family. but for now i am going to bed. goodnight.

The Most Important Part of Relationships (to me)

To me the biggest part of relationships is trust, honesty, and respect. It is a "gimme" that one should trust a friend and that friends should be honest, but to me being respectful of ones emotions is an equally large part. Friends should understand their other friends, if one is a true friend, and that bond of trust is there, then this should not be a problem because of the relationship that has already formed. In the case of forming new relationships it is crucial to be considerate of others emotions and take into account how the feel about certain things you do or say. For example profanity. Hypothetically; I swear profusely and say all kinds of vulgarity, but there is this girl that i really like and want to spend all my time with. Now she knows that I use profanity, but she doesn't like it so I don't use it around her. She can see that I care enough about our relationship that I am respecting her feelings about profanity. This is one of the things I am talking about. Another would be lying. This, however, also ties in with honesty. Let's say that you lie to one of your best friends. Just a small lie, no big deal right? Wrong. When/if they find out, it is going to be so much worse than what would've happened if you told the truth. Now "Where does the respecting emotions come into effect?" you may ask. Well I'll tell you, remember this is just my opinion, but the worst part about being lied to, is finding out that you weren't worth the truth. Imagine if you lied to your best friend about going to a party and having a beer or two. Now imagine what would've happened if they found out you lied to them. They would worry that you would start drinking all the time, they would get paranoid about everything else that you have said. they would also be really upset that you lied to them about something so minuscule that if you would've told them in the first place, they probably wouldn't have cared that much and this never would've gotten blown out of proportion. This is where the trust comes into affect. If you really trust your friends then there is no reason to lie to them.

so school. it's stressful. i figured everyone would be more mature here. but i don't guess so. there are some who are. but most of my fellow freshman are just out of high school and haven't grown up yet. i know a lot of people here. but i'm being forced to move around and rotate groups so much, that no one gets to know the actual me. they just see my annoying characteristics. which when people judge right off after like 3 days gets on my nerves. but i did get some helpful advice and i'm gonna work on it. my attitude and my self pity. i am just getting annoyed at the fact that i have to keep moving around and changing groups because they don't tell me what i am doing to bother them. but i got someone to tell me. it's just stressful when i can tell that i am bothering them but they won't tell me i am. and it makes me feel worse. there is also a lot of other drama here at school. people who need to learn to grow up because they are in college.

So lately...

so pretty much i've been really depressed this past week. i've made new friends and reinforced the bonds i have with some of the older new ones. but i've also had some conflict. not really conflict. i guess that isn't the right word. but. misunderstandings. better word. they didn't help my emotions. but everything is better now. with that. i cried myself to sleep last night. and then i was woken up with night terrors throughout the night. my biological family had found me. my biological father... he had found me and drug me back home... and that terrifies me so much. i'm so scared that that will happen. i live in constant fear that that moment.

it's been a while since an actual post and i'm sorry about that. my last post was just the result of a personality test that i took. 300 questions. which turned out to be very accurate. it says my depression is 99/100. which i didn't realize that i was always depressed until i read that. and it turns out i am. but i think i'm getting better. i still get depressed. i have been depressed the last couple of days. i did have some guys drive by in the school parking lot and yell "go home fag" at me while i was walking back from my car. it did not put me in a good mood. i also need to start working on my sarcasm. i think i am getting too sarcastic and am worried about offending someone. but i'm trying to work on it. but i am not really sure how to act around people. i'm still not used to people actually caring about me. and i'm also starting to understand my online Bible class. it was so confusing when i started. i had no idea. haha. but i am starting to understand. but still. back on track. i am not depressed as much. i have been depressed this past week though. and i hope people aren't noticing when i'm depressed. but now i gtg. my MacBook battery is dying.

pretty much i've been like depressed all the time lately. i mean. when i get sad. it hits. even like a little bit sad.

So pretty much lately I've been thinking about the future. My education. Currently I'm enrolled at OC. But I think next year I'm gonna transfer to UCO. I really want to go to OC but it will get very expensive doing what I want. I was thinking monotony in spanish and majoring in psych. But now I think I'm gonna major in Spanish depending on how much I can learn. I might could learn enough in minoring. So I might just do that. But either way it will be very expensive at OC. And I have to take bible classes. Which wouldn't be bad. But it takes up time that could be used to focus on my major. And also chapel will get in the way of work and classes. I have to juggle both. It's really busy and expensive on top of that. If I so transfer I will have to give back my MacBook. But it will be cheaper in the long run buy a new one than to keep going there. Even though I would still love to go there. But I really want to do Spanish and the study abroad programs. And also do my psychology to help the kids. So I think UCO is my best option.

People are jerks. Well some of them. Well.... Idk. People are starting to treat me like everyone else has ever treated me. I don't like it. Calling me "gay" and "fag". And making fun of the way I talk. Some of them prolly don't mean it. And idk. It's just really confusing. Idk. I don't like it. I'm not gay so it shouldn't bother me. I mean I can take a gay joke. But when people straight up call me gay. It hurts. And I shouldn't take these things so personally. But when people you care about straight up makes fun of you. It doesn't feel the greatest.

Quintessence-Definiton

• noun

1. the pure and concentrated essence of a substance.
2. the most perfect embodiment of something.
3. (in ancient and medieval philosophy) the fifth essence or element, ether, supposed to be the constituent matter of the heavenly bodies, the others being air, fire, earth, and water.